He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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