My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
