Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
