More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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