Got a toothbrush?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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