im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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