The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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