I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
