well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
