Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
