I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
