im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
