Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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