Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
