it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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