so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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