You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
