Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
