my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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