I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
