i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
