I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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