Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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