i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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