I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.