wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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