Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
