It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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