I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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