I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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