I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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