she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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