I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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