Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
