I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
