Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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