Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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