He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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