I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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