hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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