then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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