I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize