how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
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Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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