his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
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She's like a pop up book from hell.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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