I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
