is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
