She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
