i need an iv and a liver transplant
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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