How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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