i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
