dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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