You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I will pee on everything he values.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
