Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
