I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
