how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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