I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
