Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
