Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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