I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you win again, gameday.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
