my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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