On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
