i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
