So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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